Do you feel like you are talking to a brick wall? Lessons from a recovering nice person

Ever felt like you were talking to a brick wall and getting nowhere or too afraid to approach a difficult situation, so you just avoided it?

Here is the 7-step approach that is tried and true. TSW This Stuff Works!!

Taking you back – if you were with me in the winter of 2007, you would have seen me in my tiny 2-bedroom apartment. Whinging and cringing about how my skin was looking. I had just been married 1 year to my husband Simon who is 7 years younger than me! I was all concerned about looking older than him (You can only imagine). Out of the blue, my friend called and said “you have to try these products they new!” I went nah, it's ok. She responded it's free – I said “ok then I can do free!”. The beautiful executive Deana Wilkinson came to my apartment. I was a little embarrassed – this executive was coming to my tiny apartment. She shared the products, and I was WOW this really works – my wrinkles were disappearing. I knew I wanted in on this business. So I jumped straight in. It took me a little while to grow my business and I had to do lots of personal development. It's in this personal development journey that I have really discovered some important and amazing things that I needed for myself and my business. That is what I want to share with you.

I figured if I needed to know this information (just like I needed to know about the products for my wrinkles) everyone could benefit from these beautiful, important tips and lessons I learnt in my journey.

Not knowing how to ask for what I want has really held me back in my business. I am a recovering nice person. So many people out there suffer from this, you know who you are because people out there are always telling you how nice you are, what a nice person you are, so nice, so nice. But Nice doesn’t always cut it, because, in those times that you are being nice, you put other people’s needs ahead of your own. You tend to go with the flow, you don’t want to rock the boat, and if someone asks what you want you answer with “I will have what you are having”, you don’t put it out there and ask for what you want. This really held me back.

In this article, we are going to discuss 7 steps in getting what you want in communication (that’s where it's key).

This comes all credit is due to the book: NOT NICE Dr Aziz Gazipura

It is one of those books that I am constantly referring, rereading and reference back to. As a recovering nice person, we often fall back into old habits – so that is why I recommend this book.

Without skills to handle difficult situations, you may find yourself just bulldozing in there. Demand all over the place – this obviously has its own consequences. Let go through this piece by piece. Hopefully, you find something that works in these steps. Oh and this called TSW – THIS STUFF WORKS!!

Step 1: I don’t like it!

The first thing that happens is you come across a situation and it triggers you.

Pay attention to what’s going on inside of you, the feelings that you get. They could be irritation, impatience, and annoyance. The thing to do is recognise that something is going on and it's not going your way.

Step 2: What do you want?

Now that you have recognised you don’t like something, ask yourself the question what do I want to be different? What is bothering me? Really feel what is going on inside of you. Is it the thing you see immediately or is it something else that is really deep down? The example I love to use (from my home) is that when my husband goes shopping, he brings home bags – we really don’t need any more bags!!! I was constantly reminding/nagging him to take the bags with you! Take them. Reuse or just don’t bring more into the house. That’s my irritation! I had to think about what it is that I really want – what is important to me? What’s bothering me – I really just don’t want him to bring any more bags back in the house – I feel overwhelmed when I open a draw and they all fly out. I could just blurt it out: Stop bringing the bags back, it annoys me, it frustrates me, don’t do it. But guess what – that approach doesn’t yield results.

Step 3 Stand in their shoes.

So, before we blurt out what we want or that I just don’t want more bags – that will fall flat on its head. You may take a slightly different tack to someone you are close to versus someone you work with. We enter from a place of curiosity, non-judgement, inquiry.

Seek to understand before being understood. Allow the person to be more receptive. You don’t want to get their back up. It's not about who has the facts it’s about connecting and finding common ground.

Step 4: Invite a Response

We start with the words “I noticed…”

“I noticed that when you go shopping you tend to bring more bags back home? Why do you do that?”

Using the words “I NOTICED…” to open up a dialogue instead of just jumping down his throat. In the work environment it could sound something like this:

"I noticed that I sent you an email on Monday and it's now Friday...is there a reason you take so long to get a reply." Or "I noticed that it takes a little time for you to respond, can you tell me more about that."

Invite a response.

Step 5: The impact of their behaviour on you

It's at this step where you have to be a little bit vulnerable, by revealing how you feel and how it is impacting you. Vulnerable is necessary or it will come across as blame. So I might say “I noticed that you bring back more bags and when you do that I feel that we become overloaded, I feel really frustrated and I don’t know how to deal with more bags than what we actually need”. Own your own feelings in that situation.

Let’s apply this to a work situation:

“I noticed that you take 4-5 days to reply to an email and when I am waiting for that response, I feel nervous and disconnected.” And now we move into step 6 where ask for what want.

Step 6: What you want.

“I would really like it if you could respond back sooner”.

Shame and judgement about what you want will hold you back from asking. It is so important at this point to express the outcome that you are looking for. Be straight with your request.

You could say something like:

“My preference would be for you to respond back in 24-48 hours.”

“My preference would be to take the bags with you (reuse) and that way we wouldn’t get so many bags piling up.”

Step 7: Get Agreement

We have identified why we feel, stated what we feel and indicated the preferred outcome and now you are getting them to respond with an agreement. It needs to be a mutually decided action.

This takes out the secrete hidden expectations. There shouldn’t be anything left unsaid or try to mind read. After stating what you want, follow up with questions to make sure that they are understood. Something like: “Does this work for you?”

You could say something like:

“I would really love it if you could get back to me in 24-48 hours? Does that work for you? Would there be any reason why that wouldn’t work for you?”

You are creating a conversation. This is not a one-way street you are giving them an opportunity to tell what would work for them and come to a compromise.

“I would really appreciate it if you could take the bags with you – is there any reason why you couldn’t do that?” He could respond with “Yeah because I just leave the house and I forget.”

“OK let's work together on a solution. If you like I can make sure there are bags in the car for when you go shopping? Do you have any concerns/reservations” or “Is there any reason that this wouldn’t work for you?”

Create a conversation.

After they respond you can say: “Would you like to do it another way? How does that sound to you? Could you work with that? Is there any reason why you couldn’t commit to that?”

If they covertly agree they will often drag their feet. It's best to try and uncover that through real conversation. You really want to get a good balance. Because you have been vulnerable in the beginning about how this affects you, you will find they will more than likely be honest and open.

Lets put all that together and see how it would sound:

“I noticed that when you go shopping you bring back more bags that we don’t really need, and we have a whole stack of bags that you could use. If you could either take the bags with you or we could leave some in the car – how does that sound to you? “

You could follow it up with “is there another way you would like to do it?”

If they have a different offering that is great as they are taking ownership and will more likely participate.

The work situation:

“I noticed it takes quite a few days to respond to my email, I would prefer if you could get back to me in 24-48 hours I would really love more communication in our team as it helps me know what is going on and helps me feel more connected. Is that something you could do? Is that to fast for you or is there another way you would like to do it?”

“So, can we agree that you will shoot that email through and if that doesn’t happen can I send you a reminder?”

Feel free to go back to Dr Aziz to get the full version of this process.

I hope you enjoyed my summary…keep practising…it does get easier.